Covert narcissists may not display the grandiose arrogance of overt narcissists, but they are equally manipulative. Instead of outright domination, they use subtle, insidious tactics to control and undermine their victims. Below are some of the most common tactics they employ:
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique where the narcissist makes their victim doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity.
How It Works:
- Denying past events: “That never happened.”
- Twisting facts: “You’re remembering it wrong.”
- Making the victim feel irrational: “You’re too sensitive.”
Impact on the Victim:
- Self-doubt and confusion.
- Loss of confidence in their own judgment.
- Feeling trapped and emotionally dependent on the narcissist.
2. Silent Treatment
Silent treatment is when the narcissist ignores or withholds communication to punish, control, or manipulate someone.
How It Works:
- Refusing to respond to messages or calls.
- Giving cold, emotionless reactions.
- Acting as if the victim doesn’t exist.
Impact on the Victim:
- Creates anxiety and emotional distress.
- Forces the victim to beg for attention or apologize, even if they did nothing wrong.
- Reinforces the narcissist’s power in the relationship.
3. Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail involves using guilt, fear, or obligation to manipulate someone into complying with the narcissist’s wishes.
How It Works:
- Guilt-tripping: “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
- Fear tactics: “If you leave, you’ll regret it.”
- Playing the victim: “You’re hurting me by not doing what I ask.”
Impact on the Victim:
- Feeling pressured to comply with unreasonable demands.
- Living in constant fear of upsetting the narcissist.
- Becoming emotionally drained and manipulated.
4. Triangulation
Triangulation is when the narcissist brings a third person into conflicts to create jealousy, competition, or division.
How It Works:
- Comparing the victim to someone else: “Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?”
- Using others as “messengers” to spread gossip or create tension.
- Creating love triangles to keep people insecure and competing for their attention.
Impact on the Victim:
- Feeling inadequate and insecure.
- Strained relationships with others due to the narcissist’s interference.
- Constantly seeking the narcissist’s validation.
5. Hoovering
Hoovering is when the narcissist tries to suck the victim back into the relationship after a breakup or period of distance.
How It Works:
- Fake apologies: “I’ve changed, I promise.”
- Love-bombing: “I miss you so much, you’re the only one who understands me.”
- Playing the victim: “I’m lost without you, you’re my everything.”
Impact on the Victim:
- Gets caught in an endless cycle of breakups and reconciliations.
- Confusion and emotional exhaustion.
- Struggles to break free from the toxic relationship.
6. Passive-Aggressive Manipulation
Rather than confronting issues directly, covert narcissists express their anger and control indirectly through passive-aggressive behaviors.
How It Works:
- Backhanded compliments: “You’re actually looking nice today… for once.”
- Sabotaging success: “I forgot to tell you about that important meeting—sorry.”
- Playing helpless: “I can’t do anything without you, you should help me.”
Impact on the Victim:
- Constantly second-guessing themselves.
- Frustration from dealing with indirect hostility.
- Feeling manipulated into fulfilling the narcissist’s needs.
